As the best man, how do I stop this wedding?

[Lude-dude]

Is it Nitin?

you're the "experience" ?

[Dbo]

i would say this is a strange one! but it is not. i have been married 23 years to my second wife now and it never is plain sailing
every one is different and i do agree that as an outsider you view things they can not see, but do not put yourself in a position that makes you the one who broke up thier relationship.
some friends of ours have been married 30 years and the first 7 years was as man and wife, then he came out as having a gay affair and moved his male lover in, she then moved in her female lover and they share the house and all are happy
if they do marry and all go wrong that is when he will need you the most as an advisor, so no telling him i told you so, let him make his own mistakes and then be there to help him out.
if he is being downtrodden then this is abuse, it does not have to be physical to be abuse, if he is earning all this money then he quite simply needs to open a bank account in his sole name and have all his money paid into this (and she has no accses) he can then restrict the money and her free ride is over, soon see how long she stays around then.
if she is shagging around behind his back, he and you need to do all you can to gather information about times/dates/names should it come to a divorce she would not have a leg to stand on if he sites it first on the grounds of adultery with names of co-respondances.
my fisrt wife i named 14 names, times and dates and the judge said 1 was enough and she got nothing
he needs to be whiter than white though m8, so if he does come out or want a boyfriend then he will have to wait untill all this is done or he will give her grounds (no bullets for her gun m8)

just be there for him m8 at let nature run it's corse, just think how would you feel if someone tried to do this to you and how you would feel and then act accordingly.

[wurlycorner]

No shiny I'm afraid not.

As they have been living together for over 2 years I guess she is entitled to half the house but I expect all the dept on credit cards are in his name, even earning what he does, it doesn't cover their spending. The wedding alone was 20k easy.

I had thought of throwing in the towel and crashing the wedding making them call it off but what if it does work out? I'd loose a good friend and spoilt his chances of being happy( as slim as it seems).

I can speak from personal experience of this, having called off my own wedding 2 weeks beforehand, because I realised it wasn't right.

In my case, that wasn't because of doubts on my sexuality, but if he does have some, then that's most definitely enough and he needs to give himself time to work through that, at the very least.

Key thing is, if he's not happy, that's that - shouldn't go through with it.

It's not easy calling it off, but the money down the bog (money forked out for the wedding) and potentially upsetting others (friends, family etc) is nothing compared to doing the right thing to make you happy.
Any friends that really matter, will support you whatever. Any that don't, aren't friends that have your best interest at heart.

What all the nobs that kicked off at me (e.g. her self-centred b!tch of a sister) failed to keep sight of (hence proving they didn't have our best interests at heart!) was that calling it off beforehand was the bravest thing to do and the FAIREST thing for all - going through with it is the EASY option (avoid making a decision/upsetting everyone etc) but then means you're living a lie with that person, which as much as not being best for you, also isn't fair to them!

When you look at it objectively, it's actually far more complicated, messy, upsetting (and expensive) to split up afterwards...

The trigger for me was when we went to read our vows with the registrar and give them our licence (or whatever it was we did - it went in a blur) the week or so before the wedding. I was picturing myself reading those vows out looking at her, promising all those things to her. I realised I couldn't lie and then spent an agonising 48 hours taking myself off thinking it over and over...

I can only say pete, that you can't stop this - it's a decision he has to make for himself, otherwise it isn't for the right reasons and he won't be comfortable with it/accept it was something he did for the right reasons.
I wouldn't suggest pushing either way (particularly as you have personal feelings against his fiance - means things might come across wrong from you, even if you don't mean them too? That's why I skipped over when you said you went on to talk about your views on her).

Suggest you just need to be supportive and ask him what his concerns are about calling it off and then help him work through each of them in turn - that way calling it off (if he chooses to) won't seem such a daunting prospect and he'll know for sure he's got someone to help him through it all.

Might be worth suggesting he does think about/play through in his mind, the moment where he'll be stood in front of her saying those vows and think about how he feels and whether he believes what he'll be saying (without loading it up with trying to make him scared about how serious that moment is and how everyone will be watching etc etc cause that isn't fair and takes the objectivity out of it!)


Ref the house/posessions etc. I did a load of research and took legal advice after her b!tch of a bored, self-centred/nothing better to do with her time than interfere in other peoples business sister drove my ex down the line of speaking to a solicitor etc instead of just resolving things amicably, like I was trying to do...

There is no law that says she's entitled to half of all possessions etc - that's only the case after you're married. It all depends on the situation.
For me, I owned my house with a mate beforehand. She came on the mortgage with me, to 'buy him out'.
He and I had (say) £40k of equity in the house at that time, so £20k each. That £20k stayed mine when she came on the mortgage. She and I paid the mortgage (me paying more than her but that's besides the point) for another year and a half. I got the house re-valued, and between buying him out and us splitting up, it had gained about another £7k equity in that time, so her complete amount of equity in the house was half of that (£3.5k). nb: however much mortgage/utility bills she might have paid in that time is immaterial. Any posessions we bought JOINTLY in that time (e.g. £2.5k sofa) we split the value of 50-50. Anything else bought individually, stayed with the person that bought it. Any utility bills were 50-50 liability.
That's the advice I got and that's what I went with.
I got the conveyancing solicitor (I was then buying her out of the mortgage and keeping the house) to draw the agreement up in a letter that we both signed, so there couldn't be any comeback later.
(I finally finish paying her in 3 weeks time incidentally, 2.5 years later...)

There's all sorts of different permutations here of course - I'm happy to offer advise on this off-line if you like.

However, keep this in perspective - house/posessions etc are actually insignificant in this - it's his happiness and what's best for him, that matters here. The rest is all incidental stuff that can be sorted out after (difficult to see that though, I know!)


Looking back, it was the hardest I've ever done, but I know for sure it was the best decision I ever made - it was the right thing for me, regardless of having lost friends/dumped money down the bog etc.


(Can't believe my first post on LG isn't even about a lude!!!!!)

[Shiny]

In my case, that wasn't because of doubts on my sexuality.....

That's the spirit, best to know for sure

[Dbo]

good advise Wurly but i have to disagree with your statement that women only get half after marrage, sorry.
my mates daughter is a divorce lawyer and the law in this country is after 6 months of a women living with a man can claim "common law wife" status, this means she has the same rights as a women that is married.
(but there is no common law husband the other way round )
it is an old law that has never been revoked and is well outdated but it is up to the individual judge how he/she reads the letter of the law.
as you said when it comes to large things as in the house they tend to look at who put in the initial investment at what date, eg you and your friend, and then your ex only got half from the date she could prove she took on the risk.
so in this case if he could prove she had never paid a morgage payment and her name was on the morgage, she would be in default on her half of the agreement and would not be intitled to her share of profit (but if the bank account was in joint names that the payments come from then proving she never put money in would be impossible)

[Supermarine Blues]

I've been married for over 5 years and even back then I was 100% certain it was what I wanted. If I had any doubts at all, I'd have called it off. I'm aware people get pre-wedding jitters, but it would be more akin to nervousness for the day than what he's had so far.

From the sounds of things, this is not the right path for him BUT, and this is a big but, you need to talk to him and if it is called off, he needs to make the call. Support him whatever he does, but don't make the call yourself man - I can't see any way that would end well for you.

Good luck dude, hope you find some kind of peace with this one

You do talk a load of old sense sometimes!

Heed the Lemon, 106:

If this guy hasn't got the balls to pull out himself (god, that's the wrong metaphor!) after the talk, it's his own fault.

I've witnessed these train crash weddings - we cannot call it off because the invites have gone out - and they usually break up after a couple of weeks. Or worse, after kids when there are more innocent parties to hurt.

[Shiny]

Do they need a photographer? I did a wedding shoot last year for my neice and they reckoned my shots were better than the pro the hired.

I can give him a shag behind one of the pews so he can see if he likes it.

Result -

I get paid to take photos and have some bum love
Chappie gets to find out if he is gay
I can wear my gimp suit and find out if the bird is dom (not a Crazy C Dom though - one of them is more than enough)
Nitin can make the cakes

[4thgenphil]

oh i miss plymouth!

[lewd lude lover]

Bro's before Hoe's pete, Bro's before Hoe's.

you need to have a hard words conversation with him while your both sober and before the day. you have to be clear to him that you will not/cant take the responsibility of bestman if he is not 100%.

This is your job as best man. step up while sober and ask the hard questions.

[mercutio]

Bro's before Hoe's pete, Bro's before Hoe's.

you need to have a hard words conversation with him while your both sober and before the day. you have to be clear to him that you will not/cant take the responsibility of bestman if he is not 100%.

This is your job as best man. step up while sober and ask the hard questions.

This its the best mans job to look after the groom in whatever way he can